First page Excerpt

Here is the first page of "Ragged Edge: Cry of the Phoenix." Enjoy.

You don't actually lay on a psychologist's couch. I mean you can if you want but usually you just sit there, face to face, with someone that's trying to understand what is going on in your head. It's intimidating the first few times, then you get use to it and sometimes, for fun, mess with the headshrinker.

I wasn't having fun. My shrink likes sounding smarter than he is. He's full of nonsense phrases like "I see" and "that seems only natural" and my personal favorite, "I understand". When he uses those phrases I want to reach out and break his nose then ask him if he still sees and understands, and how natural does it feel. I haven't done it... yet.

My shrink has me classified as “functionally deranged”, meaning I'm delusional but I'm not a danger to myself or society as a whole. He's wrong on both counts but its nice having someone I can talk to about everything. Sure, he didn't believe me when I told him what I am, and he doesn't believe some of the things I say I do, but that's not important. It's just important to have someone I can talk to about the ragged edges of my life.

Those ragged edges, everyone has them, some people notice them, and most don't. Those are the edges where the reality you think exists clashes against the edges of the reality that truly exists. Seeing shadows out of the corner of your eye, strange lights in the sky, hearing voices with no one around to produce them. Those are the edges people try to ignore, pass off as hallucinations; or mental illness. The problem however, is that they are real.

Those edges brought me to this shrink. I have friends I could've talked to but I didn't want them thinking I was nuts or worse, turn their backs on me. Doctor Johnson had become my closest confidant. I could tell him whatever I wanted with no worries about what he thought of me. Most of the time he didn't believe me anyway.

 

Ramblings

So it's been a fairly long time since I've had anything to post. Normally I post about writing and trying to help any of you readers with your own careers or amuse you with my own stories. Sometimes it's merely to attempt a figuratively cathartic experience of banging my head against a wall to relieve stress and try to improve my mood and outlook.

Sorry to say this post will have very little to do with writing. Though for those that are keeping track I'm currently at 43 rejections. I'm not getting as many form rejections since I reworked my query letter, though I'm also not getting much usable advice from the personal notes. Still, it's looking up I guess.

No this post is more along the lines of a personal journal entry. If you don't care then feel free to leave now and wait for the next post. If you do care then I guess I don't have to tell you to keep reading so I won't.

See I'm a fairly open person. I accept almost anyone and anything. If something you do makes you happy and doesn't hurt anyone then do it. Somethings I feel very passionate about. Those things I will defend and advocate until my last breath. Normally this is actually not as dramatic as it may sound. Sometimes if I'm not in the mood to argue with someone I'll simply call them an idiot and walk away. Sometimes I'll argue until I'm blue in the face. 

The problem is my outlook frequently falls directly opposite that of my family. Again usually no big deal. If we have a small gathering we know to stay away from subjects of contention and peace is had by all. At bigger gatherings... well I become obligated to just keep my mouth shut.

The subjects most hotly contested are those of religion and marriage equality. I'm good with religion, if you want to believe some all powerful dude created the universe and everything in it, hey that's okay just don't expect me to believe it also. If you believe that there are a load of powerful gods and goddesses influencing the world and taking a role in your life, hey that's great, personally I'm inclined to agree somewhat. If you don't believe any of that, if you think we all happen to be here by random chance and this life is the end of it, then great if it makes you happy... sometimes I'm inclined to agree.

As for marriage equality. This subject is a bit personal.

You see I'm not gay. I'm in a happy heterosexual marriage, I have four children. I enjoy nothing more than making love with my wife in as many positions and ways as we can physically accomplish. What I'm saying here is that I like sex. I like porn, I like nude art. If you haven't figured it out, I'm a big fan of women. So why would marriage equality be important to me? What does it matter to me if gays are allowed to marry?

Well it boils down to friendship. I don't have many friends, I don't want many friends, and I don't need many friends. The friends I do have though are my family, not in a biological sense but no less real. 

One of my dearest friends is a gay man. I consider him one of my best friends. We don't talk often, in fact we have never even met in person, yet I would gladly put my life on the line for this man. He is the inspiration for one of the characters in my novel, for my favorite character in fact. He has been with his partner for a few years now, in their state they cannot get married. They've considered going somewhere else but they want their friends to be able to attend. I would gladly be among those friends. 

This friend is very talented, he has helped me through some spiritual bumps in my road, and he did the greatest kindness one can do for a writer (next to buying their books) he let me inside his life while doing research for the above mentioned character. He told me of being attracted to a boy as a child, his mother coming down hard on him because of it. I know of his trials and tribulations while coming to terms with that part of himself. I know of the difficulties he has had with his family and the problems they have caused for him and his partner, the important part is that I understand.

I understand that he has been persecuted for the way he was born. He is treated as a second class citizen and has to hope that one day people will decide to give him the same right that heterosexuals take for granted. I understand his pain, and I understand his love for his partner. I also understand that he makes some awesome soap... just not fast enough. 

What's the point?

The point is that I was wounded today. My family is predominately Christian. They are against gay marriage. There was a gathering today for my sister, she is home visiting for a week. I was forced to leave because the topic of conversation turned towards church and ridicule for gay marriage and non-believers. I have learned that the best way for me to face this is to leave the situation. If I become the lone voice of dissent then I become the enemy and tempers flare and feelings are hurt. So my wife and our kids left the gathering. My wife understands why, my kids didn't ask, for them it was just time to go home. 

I hate to say it but sometimes I wish that I were gay, just for the opportunity to force my family to take a more objective view of the situation. To make them decide if their love for me is more important than what they are told their bible tells them to think. Sometimes I think I would win in that situation, other times, I think I would be similar to so many people and be disowned. 

It hurts me that I kept my mouth shut, I feel as though I should have said something, I should have shown them their ignorance. I know though that it would've done no good. 

So this is my rant. This is me venting. I love my friend for so many reasons, he is really one of the best men I know and I hope he reads this. I'm never good at sharing my feelings and I've never told him how much he means to me. It is my hope that one day I will be able to go to his wedding, and see him join my wife and I in this thing called marriage. I hope that one day all of us, gay or straight, will be able to take for granted the right to marry the one we love. 

It is my hope that one day, we as a people understand that love is a more important force than any book, than any outdated belief. 

As I said before, I have four children. My children are very dear to me, I love them more than life itself. What do I think of their sexuality? I don't care. Gay or straight, if they are happy I will support them, I only fear they will have to face a world that discriminates against them for their choices.